Fat Princess is an addiction. The PS3 game is really too much fun, and… it’s like butter. Unfortunately, with the success or whatever of the game, they decided to bring it to the PSP. Here are my thoughts on the PSP:

I like rooting for the underdog, but come on. The PSP is by no means a bad system, but for some reason, Sony is determined that no one will ever like it. First of all, UMD? Worst idea ever. Noisy drive, little stupid looking disc things. Second of all, Games? Is there even an SDK for this thing? No one is making games for it. The thing has some great games, don’t get me wrong, but my local gamestop doesn’t even order new games for it anymore. There are like 3 games coming out a month for the system. I still have mine, and play it a little less than my DS (which is pink (don’t laugh)). Anyways, fuck Sony because they are doing really, really stupid things. Like the PSPgo… I think the Wonderswan had more support for the system. So yeah, as much as I play it, and keep one in my backpack nearly all the time, fuck the PSP.

And here are thoughts on Fat Princess on the PS3:

Fat Princess is like an online FPS for those of us who suck at FPS’s. I can’t aim with a controller to save my damn life, but Fat Princess bestows upon me the ability to teabag some 11 year old pre-pubescent kid and feel good about it. There is an option to have confetti come out of the little dudes when you cut them. The Princess’s voice gets deeper as she gets fatter. I played Fat Princess while walking on a treadmill for about a month. I tried to join a guild, but they pretty much broke up after I joined. My wife cries when I play the game; she identifies with the Princess because she can’t deny cake either. Things that suck about the game include: the way it connects people (or doesn’t),  the insane expectations for those last character tweaks, the AI of the bot players.

Let’s get to the portable version now. There are 2 major places where they fucked up. One: The control is all wrong. The PS3 version has these wonderful, gooey controls, with real weight attached to the characters. Aside from a few glitchy areas in levels, the characters play like a dream. The PSP version (not even going there with the little, round slidy bar thing) just feels like nothing. Any attachment to the game one might’ve had via the controls has been eliminated. Two: The graphics are horrible. The PS3 version had this beautiful, cell-shaded cartoony world. The PSP just looks like you took it, ran a Photoshop Smudge tool over the whole thing, and called it done.

Conclusion from previous paragraph: The developers of the PSP version (Supervillian Studios) not only have a stupid name for their studio, but also seem to have never really played Fat Princess on the PS3. They must’ve been showed 360p Youtube videos of the game. When asked if they could play the original, the Sony rep on the other line responded in Japanese because they were too embarrassed to tell the developer that they didn’t have the authority to send a free copy of the game. The developer didn’t understand Japanese, so he pushed the guy to answer his question, which embarassed the Sony rep further and his only recourse was to hang up on the developer. The studio, having spent their last lottery ticket on the PSP SDK couldn’t afford the game, so instead they relied on Titan Games produced FAQs and forum threads.

That’s about all I can say at this point, let’s score this bitch.

Starting with 5 points:

+1 – copying an awesome game

-1 – Being called “Fistful of Cake” when it obviously takes two hands to play a PSP, unless you’re playing the DOA Extreme game.

-1 – giving the US market a shittier box than the European one. Why would you do this? The PSP is totally failing the in the States and you’re trying to make people not want to buy this game???? Sony????

-1 – only supporting 8 players in multi-player. This game was not made for that few of people.

-1 – Supervillain Studios’ intro. Someone should’ve told them they were making a title for their studio, not an FMV intro for the game.

+1 – Only being $20. All PSP games should launch at this price.

Final: 3/10.

My Tip: Play the original, don’t waste your time with this.

Ps. The “Wasted Load” thing in the title was supposed to appear somewhere, in some sort of phrase mentioning masturbation, but halfway through writing this I realized that it didn’t really make sense. Still, this game feels like a wasted load compared to a money shot like the original…